Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
