first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
