hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
