its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
