I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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