I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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