He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
