I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize