This house was built for laser tag.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
