this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
