please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
