i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
