So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
