She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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