they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
