She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
