Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
