Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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