I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
