I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
