also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
