she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Randomize
