how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
