Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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