True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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