I like my sex mixed with concussions.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
