i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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