I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
