if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
