Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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