You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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