My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
