The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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