Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
