Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
