I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
