4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
