You're completely useless in the revolution.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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