i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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