There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
