so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
