we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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