I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
