this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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