I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
