I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
