I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
