Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I will pee on everything he values.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
