I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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