I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Randomize
