You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
