My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
