My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
