we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
