i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
