If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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