she was so not down for the gang bang
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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