The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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