You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
